Who am I?
My name’s Ezekiel. In the shortest possible terms: I’m a Christian man who takes faith and masculinity seriously.
For the more detailed story, let’s rewind just a few years: I’m a socially inept young adult with a couple of unhealthy addictions, including pornography. I have very low ambitions in life and poor standards for myself as a man. I’ve been steadily employed at Walmart for a while now, because I don’t have the drive to seriously pursue anything better.
I believe in Jesus, but on the inside I’m arrogant and have little concern for others. At the same time, I don’t talk much about my faith for fear of what others will think. The exception to this is that I take special pride when I mention to other Christians that I’ve read the entire Bible.
Over time I start to realize that something is wrong with the way I’m living. A tiny voice in my head whispers to me that I can’t spend my time on earth this way. I’m still complacent enough not to seek answers or make any serious effort to change things, but I’m not very happy either.
The voice in my head starts to grow louder when I read the book The Tin Soldiers by Andrew Schwab. The text hits hard. The book is clearly written for someone just like me, but I’m not prepared to accept the implications. I’m not ready to change. I shelf it and tell myself I’ll think about it later.
Meanwhile, my social skills have improved marginally. I develop somewhat deeper and stronger relationships with my friends, and their positive influence starts to bleed in.
One of them likes to punctuate our discussions about life with a particularly tormenting question: “What are you gonna do about it?”
The voice in my head gets a little louder each time.
By now I’ve also started gaining ground in my battle against pornography. I begin see the difference it makes, and how bad for me it really is. I read a study revealing that around three quarters of Christian men watch pornography, and part of me is alarmed by this. If this is such a big issue, why don’t most Christians talk about it?
And for that matter… why don’t I?
By now, that once-tiny whisper in my head is becoming deafening.
I reread The Tin Soldiers. It hits hard just as it did before, but this time it hits home. The mental framework behind how I choose to live my life is changed. I start to trust God more fully and challenge myself to live more purposefully.
I feel I have a mission now. The phrase “godly masculinity” starts popping into my head. I see how desperately the Church and our culture needs a message along these lines.
I don’t know what to do though. For the most part, I’m still the same man I was in the beginning. I don’t think big, my social skills are still fairly weak, and I don’t have a platform. Even if I did, I don’t have the skills or knowledge to do anything effective.
My life plan at this point is to discuss the evils of porn and encourage manliness on a certain Christian message board while I work at my new job as an auto mechanic until I die.
One day, while I’m browsing the Kindle store on my phone, my attention is suddenly caught and held by a newer release called Gorilla Mindset.
I buy it and read it. Twice.
Once again, the mental framework for how I think and live is powerfully altered. I realize that many of my limitations are completely imaginary or self-imposed. I start thinking bigger.
I decide to start a YouTube channel. Baby steps. At this point I’m already far outside my comfort zone, and it takes me more than a month just to learn how to speak coherently in front of a camera. At the tail end of 2015, I start putting up videos talking about my journey quitting porn and some ideas on godly masculinity.
The channel grows. I’m finally reaching people. I sign up for Twitter and get involved with some other great personalities who I learn a lot from, and even get to work with from time to time. Then, after confining myself to the social media realm for about two years, I finally build my own website. And that brings us to now.
So what am I doing here?
I have note pinned to my desk. It’s been there about a year. It’s right in front of me every single day.
It says, “To eliminate demand for pornography and revive Godly Masculinity in the Body of Christ.”
It’s ambitious. Maybe even unrealistic.
But that’s what I’m about here.